you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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