What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
