I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
