yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
