I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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