I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
