don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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