goodnight i made you a song goodbye
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
