I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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