1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
