If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
