Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
