you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
