she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
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