So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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