My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
