when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
