I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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