Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
