I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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