Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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