make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize