I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
