listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
