I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
