remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
