i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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