sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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