Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
