This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Boobs speak an international language.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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