I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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