i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Pants are for mortals
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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