Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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