i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
