I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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