I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He kissed a someone with a penis
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
