I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
