I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
