My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
