This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
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I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
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No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize