my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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