I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
