I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
