I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
