my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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