I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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