Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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