Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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