paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
