I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
