hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
