Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
