A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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