Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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