I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
