Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
if only i could text you this smell
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
