The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I did not marry a roomba.
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