Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
